You Are Kubo Tite 3 - Since When Were You Under The Impression

Here we have the third installment of the Kubo Tite CYOA. Unfortunately the topic creator was unable to finish the story and thus it remains in limbo. The long ban on CYOA's on OT that came into force soon afterwards meant that Kubo's story remained unfinished. Nevertheless, an archived transcript of what was written is presented below:

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We're back, oh my~

Yes it's true, the final Kubo Tite CYOA flopix is here, a little later than expected but here nonetheless. We last left our cool, brave, dashing, handsome, popular and downright stylish protagonist as he was preparing for an attack on Nabeshin's mountain home. What challenges will Kubo Tite face as he races to uncover the terrible truth behind the moe fad? (Protip - it's a pretty terrible truth) Well dear readers, that's for you to decide!

What's that, you say? You are unfamiliar with this topic? That's not good, OT, not good at all. If you really needed to ask, the last two topics can be found on OTWiki below: http://othertitles.wikia.com/wiki/You_Are_Kubo_Tite http://othertitles.wikia.com/wiki/You_Are_Kubo_Tite_2.0_-_Right_Behind_You_Edition

But enough rambling, let's get on with it! --

You are Kubo Tite. You are the greatest shonen mangaka in the world. It seems an age ago since that fateful day three months ago when you woke up from that dream about supermodels and money and Yammy. And yet you stand here now, ready to go to war.

A war against moe. A war to liberate the manga world, a war against the greasy, pimpled, slack jawed virgin otakus who ruined everything. Soon you will once again be making lots and lots of money; you've finally had a breakthrough planting money trees, which certainly helps. But that's not important right now; today, with three loyal companions, you are going to war.

You stand in the foyer of Akamatsu's mansion, making a few last minute preparations before you depart. Kentaro Miura is still sharpening the nib of his massive ink pen. The implement itself is unbelievably huge; it could not truly be called a pen, since it was more like a slab of solid steel. Your One True Friend For Life, Oda, is preparing to shoot himself up with something, probably some *SUBSTANCE EXPUNGED DUE TO GAMEFAQS POLICY*. Togashi is counting his money and drawing in his notebook at the same time; you cannot help but admire his skills a little.

You, of course, have already finished preparing, and as you move towards the door, the others stand to follow you. You know your destination, but how should you get there?

0. Hoof it, and murder any filthy degenerate otaku you find along the way. 1. Hail a cab. Hey, it's the simple method. 2. Equip everyone with Kubojetpacks and fly there in style. 3. If you're going into the mountains, you need proper transportation. Take the Kubotrain. There's only a small chance it'll explode, honest.







This journey must unquestionably be undertaken in style. Clearly the Kubotrain is the only option; trains are, after all, the coolest vehicles in the world. Apart from hovercrafts. You should really get yourself a hovercraft. A big one, with a swimming pool and an ice cream parlor and a tequila bar. Wait, what were you thinking about again? Oh, right, the Kubotrain.

Luckily the train station is close by. You manage to mutilate no less than three filthy otaku on the way there, though Miura claims his Hi-Score is much higher. You swiftly make your way onto the platform, the glorious sight of the Kubotrain stretching before you. The train itself is a steam engine, and runs on old Naruto volumes. It has a snow plough permanently attached to the front in the shape of your sunglasses, and a smoke stack worked to look like a cast iron statue of Aizen-chan's head, complete with trollface. The horn, when blown, sounds very much like "**** YOU IM KUBO TITE". Yep, it certainly is one of your finest creations. Perhaps one day you'll finally perfect the Kubozord you've dreamed of since day one, but that is a matter for another time.

"KUUUUUUUUUUUUBBOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Screeches a familiar voice. It seems your departure won't be as easy as you thought.

Striding towards you from the opposite end of the platform is...Editor-san. Will this man ever quit? Always hounding you, always editing your work, never seeing the sheer unbridled genius of your creative talents.

"Oh hey there Editor dude. Lemme guess, cyborg, m i rite?"

"Kubo, you kisama! Thanks to your meddling, I was fired from my job at Jump! My job was everything... Now what will people call me? Not-Editor-san? Unemployed-Former-Editor-san? Thankfully I was rebuilt by the Japanese government. If I kill you here, I will surely become an editor again and take back my name!" His eyes light up suddenly, and a laser beam sweeps across the area.

You throw yourself to the side, barely avoiding the beam. Next moment Miura's giant pen sweeps through the air, catching and deflecting the laser as it sweeps back towards you.

"Kubo, hurry up! We don't have time to deal with this joker. Get the Kubotrain started whilst one of us holds him off!"

True, the Kubotrain does need time to get started, what with the running on steam and everything. At least three people are needed to get the engine up and running; that means one man has to hold Un-Editor-san off. Who should it be?

0. Oda should do it. You have faith that he can pull through, stoned though he is. 1. Time for Miura to make up for his idolm@ster debacle. With his raw power the battle should be easy. 2. Togashi should go. Time for him to show he's worth the money. 3. No matter what, this is something you have to do yourself.

It's time for Togashi to prove his worth. You motion the others towards the Kubotrain as the author of Yu Yu Hakusho steps forward to hold off ExEditor-san. An explosion shakes the platform behind you as you pile into the locomotive, but you pay it no mind; someone who makes such a large amount of money would never lose so easily. Making your way to the engine compartment, you begin to shovel piles of Naruto volumes into the furnace, working furiously to get the engine stoked and ready to go.

"Let me help you, Kubo-san." Miura uses his pen to move dozens of volumes at a time, greatly increasing your progress. Directly above, wisps of smoke begin to emerge from the top of Aizen-chan's head. With everyone's help, it should take approximately five minutes before you can leave. It seems everything rests on Togashi's money laden shoulders...

-[INTERMISSION]-

As the smoke clears, Togashi and ExEditor-san stare at each other across the station. For a whole minute, they stare at one another, their grimaces growing increasingly strained as the time passes. A bead of sweat rolls down Togashi's face, and a small insect lands on ExEditor-san's nose. Togashi knows what is at stake. He can't afford any mistakes today, since the group will need all their strength for the upcoming fight with Nabeshin. Doubtless they will have to fight through an army of bears in order to get there as well. On the other hand, ExEditor-san cannot be allowed to pursue them further. Ideally, this fight should be settled within three moves.

Without warning, ExEditor-san strikes first, opening up with the tired yet awesome cliche of a rocket punch. Hefting his scrapbook in both hands, Togashi has to use all his strength to deflect the projectile, which flies off out of the station doors and detonates somewhere in the street outside. But ExEditor-san cannot be allowed to take the initiative. Thrusting hands deep into money filled pockets, Togashi unleashes a massive cloud of paper money.

ExEditor-san is unable to see through the storm of yen approaching him. Togashi uses the opportunity to close the distance, delivering a crushing blow to his adversary's bionic spine with his giant scrapbook. Sparks fly from his opponent's back, but the cyborg retaliates with a rear-mounted flamethrower, burning through the money storm and singing Togashi's expensive suit.



"Hmph. What a cheap trick, Yoshihiro Togashi. You're just as bad as Kubo...only working when you feel like it, taking breaks whenever a new Dragon Quest arrives! And whenever you do bother, your art is atrocious! I WANT TO EDIT IT! I WANT TO CROSS IT ALL THROUGH WITH MY RED PEN OF EDITATION!"

The Red Pen of Editation...that which the new mangaka most fears. But Togashi is rich and successful; he fears not the ranting of editors. And his opponent has just revealed his biggest weakness.

"You are certainly correct. My art can be rather rough at times. That being the case...why don't you make it better for me? Here. I'll give you some."

This battle must be won at any cost. Togashi pulls a tassle on the cover of his scrapbook. The hefty tome splits in half down the spine, bifurcating into two slightly thinner books. Gathering all his energy, Togashi hurls one half of the book at his opponent. ExEditor-san sees the book flying towards him, special lenses in his bionic eyes scanning each of the fluttering pages automatically.

Every inch of laminated money paper is filled with the most atrocious artwork ExEditor-san has ever seen. The sheer awfulness of the art nearly drives him to insanity. You would have to invent an entirely new language to describe the disgraceful quality of the abominations dotting every page. The very lines seem to writhe and twitch, straining the boundaries of ExEditor-san's fragile sanity to the breaking point. The book slams into his face, shattering both his nose and mind at the same time.

"Uuuuugggggghhhg...HhaahahhhaHAHAH... HihihiwhatamazingartworkTogashisanasyoureditoriamveryproud HGGGGGGGGG-! YESYESYESTHISISVERYGOODGOLDSTANDARDIWOULDSAY-" His head explodes with a wet splat, cutting his insane ranting short. Hefting what remains of his scrapbook, Togashi hurries into the Kubotrain. The fight cost him half his collection of doodles, but it was worth it to finally be rid of the editor once and for all.

-[END INTERMISSION]-

Five minutes have passed, and the engine is now at optimum burnination. You make your way to the special Bleach Compartment. Posters of Aizen-chan and Gin-kun and even Ulquiorra-kun dot the walls. Bleach memorabilia of every sort is contained in shelves and glass cabinets. You lie back on your awesome couch, sipping tea and thinking about your next move. You should probably...

0. Sleep. Narrative dramaticism dictates that you'll be woken by something important, and perhaps even have a meaningful dream. 1. Go to the bar area and get completely plastered. It'll make the upcoming battles so much more fun. 2. Climb up to the roof and flip off all the filthy commoners until the train leaves the city.







A sudden craving for alcohol comes over you. When was the last time you had a proper drink? Far too long ago, you suspect. You need something strong, something with a real kick to it. You swiftly make your way down the moving train towards the bar carriage, passing your companions on the way. Did Togashi's book get smaller somehow? Oh well, it probably isn't that important. Stepping into the bar compartment, you scan the room for a beverage worthy of Kubo Tite. Finding none, you immediately seize a nearby ice bucket, empty the ice and begin mixing the strongest spirits you can find into one enormous cocktail. Because you are Kubo Tite, and Kubo Tite does not do anything by halves.

Emptying the last bottle of vodka into the bucket, you take a deep breath, then quaff the entire mixture in one go. Ah, yes, that's it! That unhealthy burning sensation tells you that you're alive. You really went overboard this time; you hope your body can take it. Without warning, the world seems to lurch to the left and you topple onto the floor. Yep, that monster cocktail is doing its job. You grip the edge of a nearby table and lever yourself up again. our vision slightly blurred, you stumble across to the exit.

Wait, what were you doing here again? Somehow you can't quite remember. Probably something to do with Bleach. But wait, wasn't Bleach cancelled? Those...those bastards. Those greasy, oily, slimy, mouth breathing, cretinous bastards. You should go out and murder them all. With a chainsaw. On fire. Finding no chainsaw nearby, however, you decide that insults will do just as well. After three attempts you manage to pull the emergency lever next to the door, opening a ceiling hatch and ladder. You climb the ladder, then fall back down. And again. And again.

Eventually, you finally manage to best your runged nemesis and clamber onto the roof of the Kubotrain. The city flashes past, high rise office buildings and skyscrapers visible in the distance. Those ****ers. Those absolute ****ers. They didn't understand your genius. Always wanting 'bakgrownds' and 'paysing'. As if you knew what those crazy words meant in the first place.

"So...uurg...so you cretins think you c-can...can cancel Bleach, eh? W-well...S-screw you... **** YOU IM KUBO TITE, THE GREATEST MANGAKA IN THE WORLD!!! Even if everyone copies me... E-even if everyone -hic- is jealous of me... I won't give up on Bleach! So **** you, World!" You stumble slightly, giving the whole city a dose of the old middle finger. The alcohol induced haze makes it hard to see, so it takes you quite some time to find your way back inside the train.

Wait, didn't Bleach get un-cancelled recently? Eh, those lickspittles in the city probably deserved that outburst anyhow. You feel rather tired all of a sudden; when was the last time you slept? You shuffle over to one of your many, many couches and lie down until sleep takes you...

...But are awakened by a strange noise not long afterwards. You look around, and determine the cause of your awakening is...!

0. An generic assassin sent to kill you. Honestly, how uncreative. 1. A highly visible ninja sent to kill you. Almost as lame as the above. 2. Internman, who has finally caught up with you after an epic journey. 3. R07, revived via Endless Magic and attempting to create a 'closed circle' on board the Kubotrain. 4. ...Someone else...(OT decides!)







Something's dripping on your face. It's rather annoying so you open your eyes and wipe your forehead with your sleeve. Your arm comes away red. You frown, then everything comes into focus. There is a figure looming above you, balancing precariously on the arm of the couch. Red liquid is smeared across his face and clothes, and he stares at you menacingly, face half in shadow. It seems there is a psychopath on board.

“Greetings, Kubo-san.” The figure says cordially, casually back flipping off the couch and landing in an upright position in front of you. A very acrobatic psychopath.

“You… You are…” You hastily straighten up. An odd smell permeates the area, at once familiar and foreign. What could it be?

“Ah, I see my reputation has preceded me. The truth is, Kubo-san, your actions here are rather troublesome to one of my employers. It would be very convenient if you simply…disappeared.”

Oh dammit, it’s another assassin. Will they ever learn? And yet…there’s something different about this guy. He has a rather menacing aura despite looking rather unassuming under all the red. He looks…slightly familiar, almost as if you’ve seen him somewhere before. And what is that damn smell anyway?

“With that said, allow me to introduce myself. I am the Rail Tra-”

Suddenly everything clicks.

“Ryohgo Narita why are you threatening to kill me whilst covered in tomato juice? Is this some kind of cosplay fetish?”

“…I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I mean it’s just silly, dressing up like that and trying to look all intimidating. You’re a light novel author, not a killer.”

“I’m telling you, I’m Vino! The legendary assassin, the Rail Tracer!! I-I don’t know who this ‘Narita’ is, though by all accounts he sounds like a highly cultured and intelligent individual. Anyway, it’s time for you to die!”

“Yeah, sure, whatever you say dude.” You casually walk over to the door whilst Narita continues to profess his intent to kill you.

“…And besides, this train has no conductor! What steam engine has no conductor, are you a philistine? Honestly, you cannot hope to defeat the Rail-” You shut and lock the door behind you, cutting off the noise mid sentence. Pretending fictional characters are real? Honestly, who would be stupid enough to claim such a thing?

Looking out of the window, you see that you have left the city and are speeding towards the mountains. You make your way to the front of the train in order to get a better view. Standing beneath Aizen-chan’s inspiring visage, you peer into the distance. But wait a minute…there’s something on the tracks ahead! Your eyes narrow behind your shades, trying to make out what it could be. Suddenly it comes into focus! The obstacle in front of you is…!

0. A giant lego blockade manned by die-hard lolicons, armed with limited edition replica Nanoha-style Devices.

1. Another train coming the other way, crewed by the last vestiges of the Naruto fanbase and hell-bent on revenge.

2. The running gag of this CYOA, Internman, with his army of 10,000 followers, who on closer inspection appear to be cardboard cutouts.

3. A giant, hulking, towering brown bear. With a cross-shaped scar across one eye. And an afro. AFROBEAR.

Its...its...oh god. W T F

You take off your shades, give them a thorough spit clean, then put them back on and take another look. But the future refused to change.

In front of you is a sight worthy of nightmares. There is another train on the same tracks racing towards you in the opposite direction. At its head stands a mighty bear, its hide pitted and scarred from many battles with numerous Radio and TV Personalities. The hair on its head is styled into a mighty afro that almost rivals Nabeshin's; clearly one of his kuma disciples. Standing next to the bear is a tall thin man who bears a giant letter 'I' upon his shirt. Behind him are thousands upon thousands of cardboard cutouts, and every second a few more are blown off the roof by the wind.

Behind these two imposing figures you see a multitude of riffraff and hangers on, some wearing strange headbands and others weilding what appear to be plastic staffs and rods. It looks as if they plan to ram you off the tracks, then overwhelm you with whoever survives the crash. You marvel at the sheer brilliance of such a dynamic and stylish way to fight, but there is no time to hesitate – you have to act now before it’s too late.

“Hey guys, you’ll want to see this!” You call back to your friends. In an instant your nakama are at your side, studying the oncoming enemies.

“So, they plan to use brute force…I feel so excited I could draw a full page spread of Griffith’s face round about now.” Miura intones. What’s a ‘Griffith’? Some kind of food? It sounds tasty.

Sharpened by thoughts of food, you begin to work out a plan to beat the opponents in front of you. You send Togashi down into the engine room to shovel more Naruto volumes; you’ll need maximum speed for everything to work out. Miura is sent to stand on top of statue Aizen-chan’s head, hidden by the smoke and ready to jump into action at any time. Meanwhile Oda begins mixing more of his ({special solutions}). With seconds to spare, you brace yourself where you stand at the front of the train, reaying yourself for the inevitable impact.

The enemy grows closer and closer by the second. You experience the crash in slow motion. The enemy train is no match for the Kubotrain’s mighty shovel, its carriages and compartments smashed into pieces. Men and cardboard cutouts go flying as the other train is blasted off the rails, many of them bouncing comically along the ground. Aizen-chan looks on smugly as the other locomotive is torn to pieces, and his expression seems to say, “Just as Planned.” But the enemy is not about to give up; Afrobear and Internman leap from the burning wreckage and claw their way up the side of the Kubotrain to face you. Dozens of peons also make it through, though many more are killed.

The Kubotrain itself has also sustained some damage and begins to slow down. Miraculously it does not catch fire. You’ll have to fix that the next time you modify it. In any case, it’s time to deal with the miscreants in front of you. But who should you go for first?

0. Internman. You have put off this battle for too long, even if you have no idea who he is. 1. Afrobear. Though he is eyeing Miura’s position on the smokestack warily, surely it falls to you to eliminate the mighty kuma in front of you. 2. THOSE. FILTHY. LOLICONS. Goddamn it’s been too long since you beat some of those perverts down. 3. The other guys with the weird headbands. What’s their beef anyway? You have a feeling about them that you can’t quite place…

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<span lang="EN-US" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);">It seems your decision has been made for you. Internman charges forwards, running along the roof of the train towards you. Afrobear bounds past both him and you, jumping for the smoke stack where Miura waits. The rest of the rabble advance behind their leader, but brOda bursts out of a roof hatch and cuts them off. It seems this will be a three part battle. One of the best kinds, in your opinion, though not as good as the trollfights Aizen-chan loves so much.

"You will pay for your crimes this day Kubo!" Internman shouts as he picks up speed, leaping high into the air to deliver a spinning kick to your face. Office documents and draft sheets seem to appear out of nowhere around him; perhaps a new kind of paper based reiatsu? You brace yourself and block his leg with both hands, the strike pushing you back to the lip of the gap between two carriages. You push back and Internman flips backwards, landing at a crouch several paces in front of you.

"Dude, do I know you?" You ask, bemused. Try as you might, you really can't seem to place this guy. He doesn't seem like an adoring fan, at any rate.

"Oh, you know me, Kubo. I am every office hand you yelled at during your employment at Shonen Jump. Every intern who you so casually abused and yelled '**** YOU IM KUBO TITE!!!' at. Every assistant you thoughtlessly slaughtered during your rampage last topic. I am Internman, and I am your worst nightmare, Kubo."

Hey, that's actually a pretty cool speech. You take out a notepad and quickly write down what little you remember of it. Perhaps you can have one of your new characters say it at some point. In any case, it's time to do battle once again, and this time you truly did come prepared.

"I see...so you have real beef with me, huh." You say casually, slowly drawing out a plastic replica of the Kyouka Suigetsu zanpakuto. It's your pride and joy; you spent all night forging it out of the melted lego blocks of the legendary first Kubocopter.

"Well then. Come and get me." You immediately flash step behind him, slashing at his defenseless back in classic Bleach style. But your strike is blocked by a rising screen of office papers and photocopies! You jump away and strike at his side, but again your attack is deflected by a wall of paper.

"It's useless, Kubo! My power grants me full control over all forms of office stationary!" Internman says excitedly, throwing a barrage of ball point pens in your general direction. You flash step between them, the few that get too close deflected by your zanpakuto. Your last step brings you in low and you aim for the chest, but suddenly Internman in gone!

"You're wide open, Kubo!" A sudden impact sends you reeling to the floor. A sticky black substance drips to the floor; it seems Internman has thrown an ink pot at you. Wait a minute...AAAH!!! Your stylish suit!!! It's RUINED!!! FOR THIS THERE CAN BE NO FORGIVENESS!!!

Looking up, you see where Internman has got to. A giant paper airoplane is flying alongside the Kubotrain, with Internman riding on it. As you watch he throws a line of ink pots at you. You roll to the side, avoiding most of the ink splashes, but already the little **** is holding more. You hold Kyouka Suigetsu at the ready, but getting to where that bastard is will be difficult. You cannot spare any glances for your comrades, as this battle demands your full attention. What happens next?

0. Continue the battle with Internman. He must pay for his temetry in ruining your suit. 1. Scene Shift: Miura. How goes the deadly struggle with Afrobear? Is Miura even still alive? 2. Scene Shift: Oda. What of the miscreants and malcontents who have come aboard? Is Oda still high?

[{[INTERMISSION]}]

Miura sees Afrobear barreling towards him from his position on the smokestack. The mighty kuma's flanks are scarred and pitted, doubtless a product of many fearsome mountain encounters. The sight of such a foe bearing down upon one's position would doubtless have struck fear into the hearts of lesser men. But Kentaro Miura is not a lesser man. He is the creator of Berserk, and he knows exactly how to handle oversized, ferocious opponents; total disembowlment. Hefting his oversized writing implement, 'Pageslayer', he charges forward to meet his opponent, jumping down from his smoky vantage point and running with a surprising amount of speed towards Afrobear.

Miura strikes first, swinging his pen in a wide arc, slicing across Afrobear's chest as the beast rears upright to attack. The blow is severe, but not fatal, and Afrobear counterattacks, bodyslamming Miura across the roof of the train, his body blown back to the smokestack. The bear follows up with a flurry of blows, jabbing at Miura with its claws in lightning fast movements reminiscent of a certain 1980s manga.

Miura deflects most of the blows, but suddenly one of the strikes hits home, opening a gash along his shoulder. Afrobear’s growl of triumph is premature, however, as the greatest fan of idolm@ster in the world drops his pen and punches the kuma in the face with all his might. Now it is the bear’s turn to be sent flying backwards, tumbling back across the roof of the train, its movement eventually arrested by a group of rabble who had only just managed to climb up the side of the carriage.

“Is that all you’ve got, Afrobear?! Come on, I’m not done with you yet!” Miura’s wyrd is upon him now, the lust for combat overriding even the desire to draw page spreads of Griffith’s face. Afrobear rises once again at the challenge, crushing the peons who had cushioned his fall as he stands, ready to do battle once again.

A second later, they charge at one another. Miura uses the flat of the pen as a club, smashing one of Afrobear’s front legs into paste. But his opponent keeps coming, swatting aside the weapon with its other front leg and battering Miura to the ground with a leaping shoulder drop. For an entire minute, they grapple, all semblance of skill and tactics gone. But then…!

0. Continue with the battle! Only one can live…

1. Hadou 101: Scene Change! Back to Internman and Kubo, the conclusion of which totally didn’t happen off screen in a ridiculously implausible manner.

2. Scene Change no jutsu! Looks like some of the miscreants have made into the train’s interior! How will Togashi deal with them?!

3. Gomu Gomu no Scene Change! It’s magical Oda and his fantabulous and scrumdidlyumptious concoctions! What kind of crazy stunts will he pull against the angry mob?!

This PF takes no responsibility for any weirdness or insanity contained within the next chapter, for it deals with Oda, a man who is, quite frankly, incomprehensibly high.

INTERMISSION (AGAIN)

Eichiro Oda is having the time of his life.

It must have been the *Extra-Strong Mixture* he took this morning, along with the side effects of the h****** and the crystal ****. In BrOda's mind, he is dancing on top of a giant grey caterpillar, beneath an orange sky sprinkles with stars and constellations in the shape of various Kamen Rider protagonists. The caterpillar is eating up two slender iron plant stems at tremendous speed - wow, what a hungry insect! Oda sheds a tear as he imagines the caterpillar metamorphasising into a beautiful...uh...what was it again? Butter? Better? Bumblebee! Yes, that's it! That is certainly it and not some other thing.

Uh, yeah, so all in all, it's a pretty good day!

But then he sees the agents of the World Government stalking across the caterpillar towards him. He, Oda, knew this day would one day arrive, KNEW that they would try to silence him eventually. The two enormous giants at the front, each at least three hundred feet tall, split off and begin to fight his best bro Kubo and that other guy with the giant spatula. Was it a spatula? Perhaps it was a fork. Or a spork. Yes, it was definitely a spork. Sporks are cool. Oda wishes he had one of his own.

But there's no time to think about such things, because the Marines are nearly upon him!

"You will not hurt my Nakama, you silly Marines!" Oda shouts his fearsome battlecry and hurls some vials of *Dangerous Liquids* at the oncoming rabble. The crowd is enveloped by multi-coloured explosions, and many rocket into the atmosphere, becoming twinkles in the sky. Whoops! Looks like Eichiro Oda got the dosage wrong again! He makes a mental note to do better next time; it was supposed to turn them all into giant candy canes.

"Curse you, Pirate King Oda!" The Marines yell at him, regrouping for another assault. Oda reaches for more vials, but they appear to have all disappeared... Oh dear, looks like the other bottles were all hallucinations! That's not good. The Marines charge with their strange staffs and wands rasied, slamming into Oda and forcing him to the ground. Oda kicks back, his leg extending thousands of miles into space and slamming one of his attackers into the surface of the moon. One small step for Oda, one giant leap for Oda's MASSIVE FOOT PWNING SOME DUDE INTO THE MOON WTF.

"It's over, Oda! Your days of opposing the World Government are over!" One of the Marines growls, slamming the butt of his plastic stick into our hero's head. Luckily Oda's Tekkai protects him, causing the rod to shatter into thousands of tiny dancing copies of Gackt, who then proceed to beat the ever loving hell out of the other Marines. Their hold on him broken, Oda stands up and joins the fray, imbibing several more *Delicious Cocktails* along the way.

But then, something terrible happens! Another giant, this one at least five hundred feet tall, clambers over the edge of the giant caterpillar, and begins to tip toe precariously over to where the author of One Piece is doing battle with the miscreants. Oh noes! Whatever is going to happen next? It's all going pear shaped for our heroes! How do all the fights end?

0. Bleach Ending: A stupid anticlimax which resolves nothing and gives everyone weeks upon weeks of rage.

1. Naruto Ending: An absolutely awesome buildup which peters out pathetically.

2. One Piece Ending: An that is nonsensical yet awesome but makes no goddamn sense at all.

<span lang="EN-US" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);">It all happens in a flash. Internman crashes to the ground, breaking every bone in his body twice and bouncing out of sight, because he stupidly tried to ride an aeroplane made out of PAPER. What a fool. At the exact same moment, Afrobear suffers a fatal case of cardiac arrest, tumbling off the front of the train, whereupon he is crushed into paste by the goddamn Kubotrain. Coincidentally, AT THE SAME TIME, a strong gust of wind sweeps the rabble off the roof whilst coincidentally leaving you and your nakama untouched.

How inexplicable!

After looking around the top of the train for a few moments, you conclude that the threats have been eliminated and return inside. Searching the interior reveals that the 'Rail Tracer' has also vanished without a trace. The scenery rushing past the windows is now almost entirely mountainous, and you realise that you are swiftly approaching your destination. So, what's up next?

You've set out on your journey and fought through some minor fodder. You're a little bloodied but still mostly all right. Next it'll probably be higher ranking bad guys, perhaps a few more bears. Maybe some lieutenants will appear to harrass you, perhaps even some Captains. Then you'll have to climb the mountain, in order to get to the execution grounds in order to save Rukia.

...

...Wait, there's something wrong with that last bit...

Well, at any rate you'll need to make your entrance as flashy as possible. Number One would be good, but using it over and over again will decrease its effectiveness. For this, it's clear you'll need something truly special.

You need Asterisk.

But horror of horrors, your Kubopod does not have the song saved to it! HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED?! You run through the train to the computer carriage, leaping across the room and into the seat, spinning it around with your momentum in just such a way that it comes to rest in front of the PC, facing the screen. Awesome.

With a precision born of madness and delusion you open Firefox and begin to type. You search feverishly, ignoring Youtube links and enduring wave after wave of popups and spam messages in your quest to obtain the ultimate tune. After an agonising Five Minutes you find what you are looking for and immediately begin downloading. After another Five Minutes the first Bleach OP is safely on your Kubopod, waiting for the fateful day of its activation, preferably in a battle you seem certain to lose so you can turn the tide at the last minute.

A grinding sound and a change in speed notify you that you have finally reached your destination. From the window you see a small, derelict train station at the base of the mountains. A thin, winding trail leads up to the peak, but the mountainside itself is rough and full of potential hand and footholds. From the corner of your eye, you also spot what looks like a small cable car. Now that you are here, how will you reach the top and save Rukia?

0. The mountain trail. It'll be slow, sure, but that means a greater possibility of enemies appearing, thus giving rise to an awesome battle montage. 1. Scale the sides like a true man would. Dangerous? Sure, but you are Kubo Tite and Danger is your third Middle Name, right after 'Kickass' and 'Awesome'. 2. Take the Cable Car because walking sucks.

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<span lang="EN-US" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);">Now then, you could walk up the trail and reach the top at a lazy pace. Or, you could be AWESOME and run up the Cable Car's tow line. You think about it for all of half a second before coming to the obvious conclusion. You all pile out of the train and into the Cable Car. Togashi hits the switch and the car judders to life, slowly pulling itself along towards the mountaintop.

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<span lang="EN-US" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);">Without pausing to think, you smash a window with your elbow, then flash step through it and up onto the roof. Anyone else would be awed by the scenery below, or else paralyzed and buffeted by the freezing winds. But you are Kubo Tite, and this sort of thing doesn't phase you at all. Heedless of the cries of your nakama, you begin to run, flash stepping across the cable, easily outpacing the lumbering vehicle as you speed towards your destination.

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<span lang="EN-US" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);">Even flash stepping as you are, it still takes a while to make any progress. To pass the time, you reach into your jacket pocket and pull out a random Bleach volume. You flip through it idly; it's the one where Szyaellaelaldlxwhatshisname fights Uryu and Renji. Ah, what genius that was, to deny Renji his bankai! That made the fight much more tense and interesting! You'd rate it above Two Hands, but still below Since When Were You Under The Impression in terms of good fights.

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<span lang="EN-US" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);">Before you can read further however you sense movement up ahead. Something is rocketing towards you at impossible speed. Ah, an enemy has shown himself at last! You increase the pace of your flash steps, eager to meet this new foe up ahead. Only when you get within sight of it do you realise your awful, awful mistake.

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<span lang="EN-US" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);">"How foolish of you, Kubo-kun, to run ahead of your nakama!" Nabeshin roars as he plows into you, knocking you backwards and sending the two of you plummeting off the cable and towards the ground. You lash out wildly, randomly catching hold of a clump of Nabeshin's afro. His surprise attack has left you winded, but through tremendous effort you manage to haul yourself above him using his hair as a lever.

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<span lang="EN-US" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);">Seconds later, you hit the mountainside, smashing a large crater into the solid rock. You begin to tumble over and over, jarring impacts assaulting you from every direction, until you finally reach the flat land at the base of the mountain.

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<span lang="EN-US" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);">With difficulty, you stand up. You are battered and bruised, and it seems you've cracked a few ribs, but Nabeshin took most of the impact for you. Your nakama cannot help you now - you are on your own, facing down the greatest hero in all Japan, perhaps the world. The man himself is even now striding towards you, a few rips and tears in his otherwise immaculate suit the only reminders that he just faceplanted a mountain. Briefly, you consider your options. You should probably...

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<span lang="EN-US" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);">0. Fight defensively for a while, to get a feel for Nabeshin's moves. Then you can formulate a proper strategy.

<span lang="EN-US" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);">1. Use the terrain to your advantage; there are boulders to hide behind everywhere, perfect for a tense and thrilling battle.

<span lang="EN-US" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);">2. Attack at full power. This is a fight you must win at all costs, and Nabeshin will expect no less.

<span lang="EN-US" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);">3. Go absolutely, positively all out. Use Number One, Asterisk, whatever. Set your attack to maximum and don't even bother defending. Remember - the more blood you lose, the stronger you become.

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<span lang="EN-US" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);">You charge forwards, aiming a punch directly at Nabeshin's face. He disappears from your vision before impact, but no matter! It's all according to keikaku. There's only one place he can appear, after all. You spin on your feet, twisting and redirecting the punch backwards. Nabeshin appears behind you, only to be caught by your newly recalculated punch. You just have time to see his look of surprise before the collision sends him flying backwards into a pile of rocks.

"You truly have fallen far, Nabeshin! Did you think I was the same person you defeated last topic? How naive!" You spring forwards again, jumping through the air and performing a triple backflip and a handstand before destroying the rubble with a flying elbow drop. When the dust clears, Nabeshin is nowhere to be seen.

"It seems so, Kubo-kun." You turn around. Nabeshin stands a short distance away. He casually pulls a cigarette and lighter out of his Afro and begins to smoke, looking at you calmly.

"But do you truly have an answer to my previous argument? Surely lolicons have a right to exist also. These people can now come out into the open. Destroying the current system will only lead to their repression once again. Can you truly take responsibility fo-"

He never finishes his sentence, because you falcon punch him in the the nuts before he can get another word out.

"WHAT? IM SORRY NABESHIN, I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY OF THAT CRAP, 'CAUSE I'M KUBO TITE!!!!!. I WANT TO HAVE LOTS AND LOTS OF MONEY AND LOVE MY LIFE. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? I'M DONE LISTENING TO YOUR SPEECHES, I'M GOING TO GET TO THE ROOT OF THIS DISGUSTING LOLI MOE INFECTION EVEN IF I HAVE TO BEAT IT OUT OF YOU!!!!"

Nabeshin's eyes cross from the blow. You follow up with a second, even stronger falcon punch to the afro, tearing part of it away and setting bits of the rest of it on fire from the friction of its passing. But it's not enough. Not yet. You flash step behind him, then deliver a sweeping cut with fake Kyouka Suigetsu, one of your patented 'Single Line' attacks.

"K...u...bo...you..."

Your last attack is a crushing roundhouse kick to the head which sends your opponent flying into the air. He crashes down about a hundred metres away, kicking up a cloud of dust that obscures your vision. Your mangaka senses begin to tingle; that dust cloud is a sure sign that he's about to come back stronger than ever. The only option is...!

0. A jump kick whilst yelling "Don't taze me bro!!" 1. Flash step over there and falcon punch him 100000 times in one second. It's the only way to be sure. 2. THE PATENTED KUBO SUPER DUPER MEGA ULTRA BURNING MAGNUM DYNAMIC KNEE OF JUSTICE ATTACK!!!! 3. Nipple cripple. 4. Kubo beam. 5. Grab the smash ball.

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<span lang="EN-US" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);">You begin to walk forwards, then stop. A glowing, brightly coloured object has mysteriously appeared in front of you. You are filled with a sudden, inexplicable urge to break it open. An explosion from further back rocks the area. The dust parts and out walks Nabeshin, eyes and afro aflame, small rocks blowing upwards around him.

"How disappointing, Kubo-kun. I truly believed in you, yet it seems you were acutally a selfish person to the core. I will destroy you and bring peace to Japan!"

Oh snap, this looks bad. Nabeshin has fully unleashed the power of his afro, causing his Manly Level to rise to over 8999! He may even surpass your own rating at this rate. The sheer awesomeness has become a physical force, cracking the ground beneath his feet and melting the snow on the surrounding mountain peaks. You prepare to make your move...

...Only to find yourself bleeding heavily, embedded three feet deep into the mountainside. You have no idea what happened; you never even saw Nabeshin move. Something glints in the distance, and an afro-shaped wave of energy stabs out around your position, evaporating rocks and cliffside with equal ease. The glowing sphere appears in your vision - it must have followed you here. Once again, you feel an overpowering urge to shatter it.

But that fool Nabeshin has dug his own grave! You must have lost around half your blood with that last attack; that means you are now twice as powerful as before! IT'S STOMPING TIME!!! You flash step out of the crater and across the shattered landscape towards your afro bearing opponent. He doesn't seem to have noticed you, so you can nail him whilst he's distracted. He calmly turns to face you-

-and Falcon Punches you in the face, shattering your cool shades and destroying your slick hairstyle. You reel backwards, only barely staying on your feet. The harsh glare of the world bears down on your unprotected eyes as you struggle to remain conscious.

"You could never defeat an Afro Warrior, Kubo-kun. It's over now. You've lost; you lost a long time ago, when you first put pen to paper and began writing Bleach. Goodbye, Kubo-kun."

As Nabeshin's fist slowly plunges towards your unprotected face, you once again catch sight of the glowing orb. What could it be? You want to smash it so badly...you only have time for one more punch anyway. What the hell, you may as well indulge your curiosity one last time. With your remaining strength, you lash out at the object.

Everything explodes. Nabeshin is blasted backwards, heels digging into the ground as he fights to stand up against the howling winds exuding from your location. A bright white light envelops everything...and then...

You are standing in the middle of a huge crater in the ground. Your stylish suit and jacket have been replaced by impossibly cool clothes; describing them would require an entire language of words dedicated to describing cool things. A slightly less awesome (Only slightly, mind) trenchcoat billows out around you, emblazoned on the sleeves and back with choice moments from the Bleach manga. Your shattered shades are also gone, replaced by a large mask that covers most of your head, repleat with giant horns pointing diagonally at the sky.

You have become H2 Kubo. What do you do with your newfound power?

0. Stand there and do nothing. Troll Nabeshin by tanking his best attacks effortlessly. 1. Stand there, but strike an awesome pose to make yourself look even more fabulous. Then punch Nabeshin's face in. A good ol' Oneshot Curbstomp battle. 2. Gran Ray Kubo Cero - perhaps with a Beam'O War with Nabeshin's Afro Beam. 3. Ultimate Cosmic Retcon - Nabeshin isn't the hero of Japan...You are. Since the very beginning, his accomplishments have been in the palm of your hand.